i'm more fucked up than anyone knows. not my friends, family, or even you. i'm just fucked, up

Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?
Or the last time I kissed you?
How about the first time I made you cry?
That feeling in the pit of your stomach, like you want to die.
You made me feel so alive.
I could never even try to forget you.

You have no idea how much I miss you, how much I love you, and how much I want to be with you.
I honestly would be dead right now if it weren't for you.
You, just, are amazing.
I don't know how, I don't know why.
But you're the one for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcEG72N5No8&feature=branded

My heart will wait for you.

This could never be easy. Being away from you. I've always had trouble with it.
When we lived in the same town, it was easy. Whenever I needed you, you were there.
All I had to do was tap on your window, and you were there.
I don't have that anymore.
I remember many things about you, I remember just how perfect your skin is.
How soft and delicate you could be.
How when you kissed me you would hover just barely off the ground, and always smile afterward. I'm trying not to cry tonight, not because I'm sad, but because I'm happy.
I'm SO happy. You've taught me more than anyone could ever. Your still teaching me, even though your not here anymore. You teach me everyday how to be a little more like...me.
I'm up, it's a little bit past midnight, and I'm sitting on the computer, because I really don't feel like doing anything else. This is how I can talk to you, and so be it. I'll talk to you like this. I'll sit here, write to myself, and wish with all my might, and then some, that you are reading this.

"so don't give up girl
don't give in
don't stop believing in me
this is just the beginning

cause my heart will wait
my heart will wait for you
my heart will wait
my hearts gonna wait for you always"

I love those lyrics. They make me feel so..content with where my life is going.
They make me feel like I know what I'm doing, even though I don't have one clue.

I've got homework, a lot of homework. I've been drinking. I've been doing drugs. Just because its fun more than anything.
Kates stopped talking to me as much...mostly because I think we just...miss eachother. We don't have much to say, but when we do talk, its obvious that its been too long since we've seen eachother. But thats what time does. It grows some people apart, and others together.
Melissa doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't know why.
I have a mohawk, which is about 8 inches high. I'll post a picture as soon as I get one. I'm living with the oh so wonderful father right now...it's been like that for a while actually. I'm just getting used to it. I miss my mom terribly...even though I see her regularly..its not the same as living with her. At my dads there isn't...uhm...so much..whats the word?

Warmth?

My heart will wait. Let's hope yours doesn't get stolen. As you once said.."We don't control these emotions, they just happen". I've been really thinking about a few certain things you once said to me. Trying to decode something out of them that will explain just how I feel about all of this. How I feel. How you feel.
Do you still think it would be different if I saw you on the street? At a coffee shop? If I came to your front door, what would you do?
Too many questions, too many answers. Answers only lead to more questions.
So I'm better off not knowing.


Right?

Do you want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you?

If you're there for me, and you say you are, why can't I see it? Why do I feel so alone? If you do really care, why are you kissing others?

I just wrote about 2 hours worth of writing. It said error once I published it. Fuck. What a day.

Why is it this way? Why does everything have to be so... Slow, yet so fast... My head is spinning

Iloveyou.

I really miss you.. So much

Forever and Always

Oh darling. So very much to say. I don't even know where to begin. You have your "boyfriend" which I have heard your opinion on many times before. So, again, I really don't know what to do.

There's this girl named Molly. I like. I haven't known her long. But I like her. But it's a whole new feeling being around her. Completely different from you, but strangly familiar. I love you very much, I still do. Everything inside me says I do. But I need to make my own life again. And that will involve Molly. You told me to go for whatever makes me happy. Well, I haven't found much. You remember me talking about the ordeal with those girl. That hurt. Molly is nothing like that. At all. I need you to trust me. But more than anything, I need you to help me trust myself. My hands are shaking as I write this.

I miss you so so much. I really do. You remember saying how Aaron might jeperodize our relationship? Well that won't happen. I really miss talking to you, even though it hasn't been that long. I'm not starting over with Molly. I'm continuing. You know how much I can love someone. And we both need it. Truth be told, I'm sad. You know this, because you can tell. I miss you so much each day. I need to start feeling something again. I know you've been worried. I'm sorry. I'm stupid and silly.

I love you so much, that's not gonna change one bit. I'm just doing what you figured out you needed to do already. I'm not asking for permission, I'm asking for your blessing. There's so much going on. I really miss having you around. I miss my best friend and my girlfriend. I love you. So much.
But I have to do this. So I can live my life again.

Time passes

It's amazing how much time passes so quickly. Hopefully i will notice this as time continues to go on. Life still happens. Even though we are not together. But its been changed forever. Life feels so different now. Knowing that your out there. Waiting for the time we can be with eachother again. To feel your warm arms around me and realize the rest of this was a dream we couldn't wake up from. A nightmare we finally decide to wake up from. It always makes me so amazed when i think of you, how many emotions are pushed forward. One's that were long forgotten are renewed. They burn inside me and wait to be released again. You are my one and only. You make everything brighter. And i love you for that. For being you.

What's the point of just living? Life is so bland without you around...

Dear Riley,

Dear Riley,
It's your birthday! Happy sixteenth! I would love to be able to tell it to you in person, and to have gotten to give your gift to you. But life got in the way. I hope you know that it would have been number one on my list of things to do if I was able to do them... Well, being able to control time is before that... BUT that is totally beside the point. : ) I hope your party is great, and I hope everyone realizes just how special today is, and that today recognizes someone amazing that came onto this earth. Your gonna be a wonderful women one day, and I hope the road toward that starts with this pivotable moment in your life. Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today, as James Dean put it. And as  Jimmy Buffet once said "it's five o'clock somewhere" ;) I hope today turns out to be more than you expect, and I will be thinking about you constantly, like always. I love you so much, and these years will fly by. But don't let them go too quickly. Stop and smell the tiger lilies along the way. Hugs, and I will always love you.


P.s. I know I'm an hour early but this way I'm ahead of everyone else who is gonna wish you happy birthday :D

I really wish I could say everything that is going on in my head right now. Again, I miss just talking to you. Gah, I need to do some things. I miss you. Birthday verrrry soon. Sweet 16 :) I hope it is a good one love!

I talk to myself waaaay two much. Found a new band I like though. CALLED " do make say think ". Its just instrumentals..but, I like it.

fml.

Okay. I really don't like my life. I',m scared. Noe one is here. ijust want to talk to you. thats what i really need and want rigfht now. and you don't love me anymore. and i'm going crazy. actually. i think i need more hellp than i can get. so. just. forget about nigel. like you said you would never do. who say, i can't be superman? right. i just want to hold you in my arms and know that that was enough. for both of us.


"Then talk to her. I'm sure she's absolutely perfect. make sure that she knows to never, ever let you go. I can't respond anymore. please, stop messaging."

Okay. Those aren't the last words I am going to get to hear. You know what Riley. If I know you, you love me. You do. And I'm really sorry that we are not together, because I know that we would both be happier than imaginable. But, life isn't always fair. Things happen, and life goes on. People come. People go. But some come back.

I didn't really get a choice if I wanted to kiss her.
And believe me, I didn't. I feel really disgusted right now. I actually almost just got raped.
Actually. Guys don't get raped..right?

I love you so much, and don't understand you at the same time. Which is a very good thing. Because life would not be fun if everything was predictable.

Excuse me while I decide not to drink. I hate not being able to fend off people. It scares me to have someone on top of you, and you can't do anything about it..

Everyone is gone. Mom is gone. Sister is gone. You don't want to hear it. Or can't. Kate says she cares, but she doesn't.

You remember a post your wrote? About how someone comes and pulls you out of the darkness, and when they leave, you end up further down than before? I think you pulled me out, and I was so far under, I didn't even realize it until you came along. You saved me. I'm not crazy. I might be. I might. There have been no others girls. As I promised, I am waiting for you.




Lastly. Just, realize.

Nigel says:
*lol
*BEST SONg
emillllyalfa says:
*um, i don't mean to be a mood kill or anything
*but it's 5 in the morning over here
Nigel says:
*-_-
emillllyalfa says:
*if you want me to stay on
*i will
Nigel says:
*its fine. you can go.
emillllyalfa says:
*no.
*i'll stay
*but i don't know if i can cure that boredom of yours or not
Nigel says:
*i'm tired actuallyems.
*i think imma go to bed,.
emillllyalfa says:
*good.
*i think you could really use some sleep
Nigel says:
*ill talk to you later my darling :)
emillllyalfa says:
*vise versa
*hey, mind if i ask you something?
Nigel says:
*yes
*please do
emillllyalfa says:
*do you think life would be easier if it were all a dream
*that with all the bad shit that goes on
*we'd be able to wake up
*and have a fresh start
Nigel says:
*Emily. Lemme tell you someting.
*I think about killing myself almost every single day I live.
*So yes
*I do.
*Wish I could wake up
*and find my life a lot better,
emillllyalfa says:
*well just so you know
*if you were to kill yourself
*i'd have a lot less sunshine in my dream world
*my little world where everything makes sense..
*and the people i care about are happy and ok with who they are
Nigel says:
*I've haven't been happy since I was with Riley.
*No matter
*what other people say.
*Even if she is bad for me
*I didnt feel like dying
*actually looked forward
*to the next day.
emillllyalfa says:
*i don't think she's bad for you
*i think one day you'll look back on her
*whether you're an old man or a roommate with jesus
Nigel says:
*and remember one amazing girl
emillllyalfa says:
*and remember good times
Nigel says:
*I will remember love.
*And.
*I will remember a girl
*I would still
*drop everything for.
*Even
*after so many
*years.
emillllyalfa says:
*exactly.
*so tell me, what's so bad about that?
Nigel says:
*That I can't be with her now.
emillllyalfa says:
*i'm not saying it won't hurt
*but we learn in life.
*that's what makes dreams seem so pathetic
*and life so beautiful
*you'll grow
*riley will grow
*and you'll both look back on the days
*where everything seemed like a dream
*but eventually - and it may seem like forever
*eventually you'll wake up
*at least i hope i will.
*well shit - that's when i know i'm officially wiped out
*i've stopped making sense to myself ...and i'm rambling
Nigel says:
*hugs.
*sleep well ems
emillllyalfa says:
*sleep is the simplest time of day
*why is it so short?
*sweet dreams, nigel
*big, wide, bear hugs
Nigel says:
*nigel hugs
emillllyalfa says:
*the best kind of hugs
*oh geez
*g'night




I do love you, very much. You sleep well too. And happy birthday.

So far from where we started, so far from what we wanted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8aecsPj99Q&feature=fvw

So much for friends!

Oh what a lovely night. I'm at the beach, with a few people. And I get a text. From Kate. Isn't that just great. But, it's fixed now. Jesus Christ. Disregard anything he said. I'm sorry. Not the greatest friend I got.... : / We got in a fight, and I forgot that he had my password, which had Josh's in my inbox. Just explaining everything to you. I'm sorry my love. I really am.

Whats the point of just living life? Why not let life live.

If I hurt your feelings
Then baby we're even
Cause I've been bereavin'
Since you said you're leaving
But now you're by my side...
Let's not fight...
Cause you're right

That every time I lose you
I'm lost
No more you versus me girl
There's just us
Cause anything without you's
Just a bust
Baby trust
You're a must

ANYWAY, to the beach!

Say what you need to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P1qUSWEfmk&feature=related


I gotta question. When your doing, your life, do you ever think about anyone before yourself? Ever consider how it would make someone else feel? Or did you just do, what you thought was good at the time, or even worse, what wasn't good, but you still did it.

Found my sailboat. I messaged him... Lets cross our fingers.

Happiness is:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them...!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Headache headache headache. Fml.

You can't please everyone all the time.

What makes me tired is not that my body needs the rest, its that my brain has worked for two long, trying to figure out things I don't even know I'm trying to figure out. Sleep is the off time for my brain, for it to recharge, and take a break from life. I dread sleep, not because I don't like it, but because I find it stupid, and unnecessary. Whats the point of living life if half the time your going to be pretending your dead...it just doesn't make sense. I have time to sleep when I die, right now is for living. I'm having a horrible time writing tonight, I can't get out what I want to say. It was 1:14 when I started writing this...now it's 2:24.... Okay. Look, I love you. So much. And it's great that you no longer are trying to convince yourself that you hate me as well, but, it's not gonna be easy waiting for each other, and you know that just as well as I do. But is it worth it? I think so, but are you gonna your mind again, or stay put in your mind set? We talked about kids, and marriage, and that jazz, but was all that just make belief, or was there actually meaning behind what was said?

Very very very cute video my love!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYNznNBeDnQ&playnext=1&videos=Pz_N4UFKyYM&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rev-rn-2r-4-HM

Trust me. It wasn worth the trouble. No one called you because everyone thinks you hate me. Hmm. Lol. I wonder why. The last time you gave me the impression you had moved on. You must be a good actor... Uhm.. I love you. I'll talk to you eventually. Trust me, it's probs better you haven't been talking to me. Not a lot of good stuff has happened. Some. New friends and such. I love you so much. Hugs. And goodnight.

You think we are ever gonna be able to talk... Normally again?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQSU5nn76hM&feature=PlayList&p=1193C49820254386&index=3&playnext=2



and



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf92q6Vrj2o&feature=channel


Let me know which you like better?

It still means every single thing to me. If I could be with you, believe me, I would.
I love you so much more than words can describe. Just hang on, don't give up, on whatever you believe in, what you want.

Fucking cherish emotions. It will fuck you up so bad, if you become numb, like you are trying so hard to do. You ask me to give up, carry on. Its impossible. You have changed my life, and now, changed it again. It feels like nothing is right.



Huh, I forget the things I write, and it makes me think. Hm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMuDEoVZnwk&NR=1

Hi.

"Sticks and stones are hard on the bones,
aimed with anger and hurt.
Words can sting like anything,
But silence breaks the heart."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KipSEcE6gGM&NR=1


Hey, by the way. Your present is on its way! Almost 16. I really care about you.

Morning! Hugs. Hope everything is alright. : ) love you.

I gotta question for you. What would you change?

I absolutely love this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PxzG0gFFNA&feature=channel

iloveyoury

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwn1ninmmgg

I’ve got to be honest,
I’ve got my doubts,
These tears are asking me,
What’s this got to do with love?

24/7

Hugs. I miss yeah girl. I really do. I wish I could be with you. Every single day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKg9wo56WbQ

So, whats changed? From, lets say a year ago. Two? How have you changed? I'm looking back on everything, from the past, and realizing how much changes, while your living. Anyway, I'm out. With the guys, 2nd day in a row. Its kinda nice. Love you.

HI

KINDA, loving this summer, only thing that would make it better is you here with me :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=US46cHVj0-M


Can we go back, to how things used to be? How you smiled when you saw me? When you looked me in the eyes, and could tell me that you loved me? Can we go back to that?

January 20 at 11:48pm
I was watching you tonight. The way you act, the things you do. I'm gonna miss it.

January 20 at 11:48pm
That's what hurts the most. Not seeing your face everyday is gonna be really hard.

January 29 at 3:42pm
I'm glad. You know, I used to wish that some day you would fall inlove with me

Nigel Peterson January 29 at 4:14pm
Are you going to date other boys, kiss other boys?
Sent via Facebook Mobile

January 29 at 4:15pm
No, I'm not. Unless you decided you want other girls.

January 29 at 4:25pm
Uhm, I think I will love you forever.

Surprise

Okay okay okay, okay. Ok. Surprise. You. UNexpected. Cain. Oh god. OH god. I don't even know. TOOK YEAH LONG ENOUGH, to come around, jezzus christ. OFF to the beach!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21fz4eQITro


so whats up? I just got back. My arm is still killing me, yet again. Cain told me I had a problem last night. I think he may be right, although I told him not to worry.

.

I'm thinking about you. I took for granted the last time i kissed your lips.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlMEGBsw6j8

I miss you. Again. Whats new.

Damn girl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCOOAiKd73o


HAHA, guess what!? Blood test tomorrow... I hate needles. Vancouver in a while, to go see another specialist. Not fun. Apparently there are a few things wrong with me, which became present after my surgery.. I'll keep you updated darling ;) Let you know if I'm dying or anything important like that. I hope all is well with you. I send a hug or two. Trust me, I don't smell bad...except my arm..Don't smell my arm. Haha. Fighting with mom, yet again. Instead, now I just leave when she starts pissing me off. I'm done fighting. It's her problem, not mine. She's going for an x-ray. Something to do with her arm. I hope shes okay.. Anyway, I love yeah. Hope to hear from you eventually.

Hi

I don't understand you sometimes... Hmf. OH, GUESS WHAT. I got a job. I start next Thursday. I'm happy that I got a job. Anyway, your silence is deafening.

"Did you forget who you were while pretending you weren't hurting, or have you actually changed because of the hurting?"

WTF man. I'm sore. Damn sleeping. I gots to stop doing it.

"Say I'm A Bird." "If your a bird, I'm a bird"

Watching the notebook. I love you. Even in another life.

I Wanna Give You A Nigel Hug.

Good morning sunshine.

So. I was thinking about a lot. Again. My mom and me kinda had a breaking point tonight. We talked. She told me the only reason she is here is for her kids. That, I think is the most unselfish thing I have ever heard. I always thought I was here to die. You know, you live for one final moment when you die. But I don't think thats it. I was once told that I will amount to something, that I might change the world. Now, as I grew up... several years, I realized it doesn't really matter if I change the world. All that matters is that I change the world of one person. And that will make all the difference. I told you I would not be able to live without you. Thats a bit of a lie. I'm sure I could. Its just the fact the I don't want to. That night you were craving hard liquor? Remember that. I'm really starting to understand. It numbs most of reality. And makes it so you can sleep. I slept like a baby. I'm not saying I hate my life. I have a better one than a lot of others. I can only say that there are things I do not enjoy very much. I could be spoiled. Maybe just stubborn. Either way, I think that life, is about living. Don't take a day for granted, say whats on your mind. You might not have another one, and your last impression may not be a good one to remember. What was the last time you saw someone you cared about? What did you say to them?

Never Knowing What Could Have Been

I'm looking at the ocean thinking about you. And i can't myself. I can't stop loving you. Or even having you on my mind. You did a good job seeking me out. And reeling me in. Now i'm stuck. This won't stop. You know just as well as i do we aren't over. And that we both still love each other.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZCuq10FZH0

Take What You Will From It http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8iWEktQhg0&NR=1

Nigel Peterson says:
*hi
melissa p says:
*hi hi
Nigel Peterson says:
*hi
melissa p says:
*hiiiii
*what are you up to?
Nigel Peterson says:
*uhm
*crying, hanging out..you know
melissa p says:
*crying ?!
Nigel Peterson says:
*just
*this is a sad song
*i cry easy
melissa p says:
*your cute.
*HEY.
decided i want to get a tattooooooo asap
*so why dont you come down here in 2 years and hold my hand while pain ensues.
Nigel Peterson says:
*sounds good
melissa p says:
*I want that : )
Nigel Peterson says:
*i see nothing
*...
melissa p says:
*DAMN
*
* melissa p stopped sharing photos
*
* You stopped sharing photos
*
melissa p says:
*well ill send you the link then (:
*http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l0ahq5unJT1qzabkfo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=0RYTHV9YYQ4W5Q3HQMG2&Expires=1278904093&Signature=1sKIEavxg5YaAvjQ9%2FskYnbZU3I%3D
Nigel Peterson says:
*WOOOW
*stop being sexy
*its weird
melissa p says:
*LOL IM NOT?
*I just love it.
Nigel Peterson says:
*no no
*I just saw a picture of you..
*im like
*wtf
*she has boobs, shes hot
*weird
melissa p says:
*LOL
*WHERE?
Nigel Peterson says:
*your chest....? Where else would boobs be?
melissa p says:
*no i meant which picture
*obviously.
*I know where boobs are located thank you very much
Nigel Peterson says:
*Lol.
melissa p says:
*ps - are oyu even aloud to call me attractive?
*is that like
*in the friendship code?
Nigel Peterson says:
*...I don't care. I'm aloud to
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD4ufkgzIxE&feature=fvsr
melissa p says:
*Hahahah okay nige
*ALRIGHT MY LIFE SUCKS
*example: Met extremely cute guy at warped, that wasnt famous .. he was extremely nice and gave me a hug AND i added him on facebook and HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
*like why are you approaching me if you have a girlfriend? WHYYYYYYY
Nigel Peterson says:
*....because guys and girls can be friends?
melissa p says:
*but he was like ..... flirty flirterson
Nigel Peterson says:
*?
melissa p says:
*Never mind hahahah its really not a big deal, just annoys me that there are no good guys out there for moi to enjoy
*the only nice guy that i can physically be with is jake ... and im so not interested in that. lol
Nigel Peterson says:
*...hahahahahah
*jake
*nice
*hahahahahahaahhaahh
melissa p says:
*Jake is like amazing nice ?!
*well i mean other than when he does weird things
*... like sexually oriented things
*hes a sweetheart :)
Nigel Peterson says:
*hahah
melissa p says:
*YESS you liked my awesome little family picture on facebook
*Where i look partially insane.
*Theres reason behind me laughing randomly
*i swear :)
Nigel Peterson says:
*:)
melissa p says:
*Blah .. im so hungry right now
*but i cant seem to eat anything
*lately my body hasnt been cooperating with my mind
*its annoying
Nigel Peterson says:
*id say so
melissa p says:
*yesyes, so whatsb een going on in your mind lately?
Nigel Peterson says:
*I'm just going through some old e-mails
*Riley wrote on my blog the other day...
melissa p says:
*no way
*: O
*i dont have your link anymore
*send it ?(:
Nigel Peterson says:
*Uhm.
*I don't think itd really important
melissa p says:
*no?
*well then nevermind i guess :)
Nigel Peterson says:
*k
melissa p says:
*.... idontknowwhattotalkabout
Nigel Peterson says:
*me neither
*riley said two words
*she wrote on my blog
*two words
melissa p says:
*what were they?
Nigel Peterson says:
*forever & always
melissa p says:
*and where does that leave all of this?
*I honestly dont get your whole realtionship
*dont hate me for saying this but your being a huge pushover. She basically said she didnt want you anymore, made out with another guy and is now saying forever and always? and your taking it? How can you justify what she did?
Nigel Peterson says:
*There is a lot of things that really don't make sense.
*Listen
*Everyone needs something to believe in, no matter what.
*Riley is that for me.
melissa p says:
*Why though? shes tearing you apart.
Nigel Peterson says:
*Maybe I was already torn apart. And shes teaching me how to be put together again.
melissa p says:
*That really just doesnt make sense. I get that you love her and all that, i desperatly believe in love like that .. but shes your first love..and it seems like with you, you want to give up everything for her
*but you need to think of it in the situation where she might not be the girl you end up marrying in like 20 years
Nigel Peterson says:
*What am I really giving up Melissa? You say everything?
melissa p says:
*Your sanity.
Nigel Peterson says:
*I serious doubt I'm going crazy
melissa p says:
*Honestly?
Nigel Peterson says:
*Honestly
melissa p says:
*You're actually trying to tell me that all of the times you wanted to wipe yourself off the face of the earth .. it had nothing to do with her?
*You really cant say that and be telling the truth
*Im not going to fight you on this .. but I am really not going to support you
*You even said you were more dedicated in the friendship than her ..
*relationship*
Nigel Peterson says:
*If not for the bad times, what would make the good times.
melissa p says:
*Well theres an aweful lot of bad times ...
Nigel Peterson says:
*I would live them all over.
*Rather than take away the good times
*If you think
*there was a lot of good times
*there was 20x more
*than bad
melissa p says:
*Okay I know. And I dont understand your relationship at all so my input doesnt even have to mean anything to you! But it seems like she tried to move on because she knew you guys werent going to end up together
*and in all honesty the odds of you guys staying together for another 20 years is so unlikely
Nigel Peterson says:
*how much?
*1 in a million?
melissa p says:
*hardly
*even if you guys
*never had issues
*ever
Nigel Peterson says:
*Listen
*For one sec.
*When I got put under with my surgury for my arm
*I got given 6 different drugs
*And I was allergic to the one
*I went into shock, almost stopped breathing.
*Afterwards, when it all finished, I sat in the hospital best for a good 45 minutes
*Shaking and crying, because my body had gone into shock. I couldn't stop it, and I didn't know why
*When I was shaking and crying, the only thing I could think of, was her.
*Not my mom
*not my sister
*not anyone else.
*Let me finish
*Now, Afterwards, the doctor talked to me.
*I could have died. I could have. The doctor told me I was allergic to the drugs, and I had two reactions. I was REALLY itchy, and I pretty much stopped breathing. He said less than 1% of patients have even one of those reactions.
*Why can't I be that 1% with her?
*And afterwards.
*The only thing I really cared about, was seeing her again.
melissa p says:
*I know that you love her and you care about her. I obviously can see that and would never doubt it once. Ill im saying is you cant limit yourself to just her right now. If your not that 1% your just going to be lonely.
*AND
*Maybe she isnt the love of your life, maybe you havent met her yet
Nigel Peterson says:
*Thats the thing Melissa. I don't care even if she isn't the love of my life. I am going to do everything in my power to have a chance. To be that one percent. I'm not limiting myself. But I have no interest in other girls. I don't know why. But, I compare her to them. And find something I don't like. Shes always on my mind. If I meet that girl, I'm not going to NOT take a chance. She told me once,
*something really important
*when this all started
*

Another thing, if you find another girl, that you like. Go for it. Don't let me hold you back. If you have a chance with someone else, someone who could make you happy, go for it. I want you to be happy. Please. Don't let me hold you back from something like that. I know you say it wont happen, but it could.
*Thats word for word
melissa p says:
*PAUSE-
*a stranger just called me pretty. OMG YAY confidence just actually reached normal level
*PLAY-
Nigel Peterson says:
*PAUSE-
*your a loser
*PLAY
melissa p says:
*WAIT
*im not a loser
Nigel Peterson says:
*PLAY
*fast forward
melissa p says:
*Alright ive actually had enough intense talking for one night
*You can do whatever you want honestly I want you to be happy and thats why i even said anything
Nigel Peterson says:
*Agreed. You know what
*she told me one really thing
*"I love you so much. You have no idea. We might have to end it for now. But i still want to spend my life with you. Even if we are not together for now.
*"
*I think
*that
*was
*it.
melissa p says:
*it?
*what do you mean?
Nigel Peterson says:
*When I decided I would wait for her, because it really mattered to me
melissa p says:
*Okay, well please just dont invest everything in her .. I dont want you to end up getting even more hurt and fucked over having to marry me at 40 (;
Nigel Peterson says:
*Sounds like a plan
*I'm going to live my life
*But
*shes still a part of it
*even if shes not
*OMG
*cute song
*video
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uq3nI11w4g&NR=1
melissa p says:
*I actually love our friendship
*We can be so serious yet end up talkign about random things
Nigel Peterson says:
*I think I just love that
*tooo
melissa p says:
*I think I need to find someone like you to love forever! When I find a boy I will bring him to you, you can tell me if hes actually good : )

No Subject

I have something i want to send you.

Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I'm hurt. Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. I'm starting to get the strength I need. Everyday. I don't want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul. Your the one I want to chase. Your the one I want to hold. I want you and your beautiful soul.

No Subject

It's getting worse. Not better. I'm starting to miss you more and more. When will this stop. Will it ever stop?

No Subject

I can't stop thinking about you tonight.

No Subject

I'm still waiting for you to come save me from this joke of a so called life.

July 6, 2010 12:25:45 AM

I think the biggest part that made me love you so much was the fact
that you taught me things about myself. You taught me how to be the me
I have always wanted to be. That me that makes me feel happy about who
I am. You are the most important person I have ever met in my life.
You can tell when I am sad. You can make me smile at the worst times.
Just. You help with everything. There are some days I want to die.
Literally. And the only thing that really keeps me going is you.
Knowing that no matter what, it will get better. There are always so
many things said. But what does even one word mean if it has no truth,
no YOU in it. If you know what I mean. We rushed into... Everything. I
don't regret one minute though. Not one. You know, I look back at who
I was before you came into my life. A lot different. Even if you don't
realize it, you changed me. In a way so drastic, I will never be the
same. Nor do I want to be. I have always been good with words, and I
always have a urge to put my thoughts into words. I hate thinking for
a second that no one is listening...no, caring, about what I have to
say. I get told almost daily from most that know me well that they
don't understand why I do things.... Why I act like I do. They say I
font act like most. To tell you the truth I am perfectly fine with
being different. You always told me that you liked that I was
different. Melissa says that there us no point in waiting for you,
because I will be just waiting for heartbreak. I knw she means well,
but she doesn't understand. I have faith, and hope, in you. In who you
are, and that your words were never empty. I keep promises, as I have
pointed out many times before. Love is, as the movie I was watching
earlier (A Walk To Remember) like the wind. You may not to be able to
see it, but you can feel it. I'm hoping you can love as much as I do.
I'm going to wait for you, you have my word. I love you, I will prove
it. Yours, Nigel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELkWIGOxPyk

.

I'm reading the notebook. Excellent story. I'm just. Its funny how people cope with things. It usually gives you time to sit down and reflect on who you are. And what you really want.

It's hard to say I'm not the same without you. But also, so easy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uq3nI11w4g&a=8VZaPyW2Gx4&playnext_from=ML&playnext=1

Hey. Made me think of you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtMhtMc1GW8 you don't have my poem anymore. Do you?

Hugs

HELLO. Gibsons today! With...my sisters boyfriends family...yeah. Hes epic. The boyfriend. Anyway, can't wait. Leaving at 2! I love the beach! Even though I can't go in :(. I'll think of you my love :) Hugs.

Teach me.

So...uhm. Mkay. Today was interesting. I am mmmmeeeeeeeeggga confused. I'm not sure if you read this anymore. I am really confused. Fuck. Lets not bother with silly shit tonight. Everything is always serious stuff. Lets just chill while blogging. I miss yeah. Things aren't simple. I know, they never are. I'm just comforted to know my efforts weren't wasted. That I gave myself for a reason. Especially that whole virginity thing.....Its special. Anyway. Gonna watch another movie. I send my love, and eventually I will have it returned. I know you can't talk to me. I get it. Well. Lets see what time shows us. Maybe something good will happen. As for right now, I am going to spend 2 hours in spirit with you, watching that silly movie... Moulon Rouge :P. I'll let you know how it goes. I love you. P.s. This is a mess. As you recall "it's my mess and I love it". Right? Parents are stupid. Whats new. Hugs. Maybe next time you see me you won't act as though I smell foul...or have a contagious disease...Maybe I will get a hug. I know, long stretch. God. Things ended bad last time. But, the past is the past. Read my book again. You might learn a thing or two about love. Maybe I just learnt those things from you. You taught me how to love.

I hope you still feel small when you stand against the ocean, Ry.

I really hope you don't lose who you were. Who you are. Who I fell in love with. Who I still love. I hope your dreams really do come true, even if I'm not part of them right now. I keep my promises Ry. I'm not giving up, no matter what you say. Your worth more than that. I really hope I do know you. I think I still do. I'm not someone to be scared of. I'm a stubborn boy, I know. If I wasn't I wouldn't be writing this.

"Living might mean taking chances,
But they're worth taking.
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making,
Don't let some hell bent heart,
Leave you bitter.
When you come close to selling out,
Reconsider.
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance. "

You don't want to lose me. I know you don't.

Okay! Let's do some blogging. I now realize how useful my left hand was.... Everything is harder to do. And I can't write anymore...great. I've talked to the police 2 times in the last 3 days. Not fun. You wrote three pages in that book. Of what you needed to say. No, what you wanted to say. Then you threw them away. What are you scared of. That you cared about someone? Or the fact that it's easier to forget, than to try and hold onto the memories? Do you still feel alone? Like the day the you cried? Emotions are not a scary thought. Everyone has them. It's just how you decide to handle them. What did those 3 pages say? What was on those pages that scared you. You still have the book? Or did you turf it? And try to forget about the good times, and the bad? What scares you the most.

Okay

Only time will tell. The universe provided what the highest good of all concern was. All I can do is live. I'm not hiding from my part. And i'm looking forward to the uncertainty of the future. I learned more what you than anyone else. I hope you learnt something as well.

That day you said "watch what would happen if". You should know the rest. I think it's a good idea . God.

These are the last words I'm ever gonna get to say to you.
Afraid of silence. Feel like it could kill. It allows time for unwanted thoughts to wander, and take over. Any time quiet takes over my mind begins to scream. Things I don't want to think about. Memories that should be buried deep beneath the surface. Silence gives time for reality to sink in, for fears to become real. The moments the world falls quiet I can feel the sadness take over me. Pulling me down to that cold, dark place. The one I try to avoid. Sometimes I fall so quickly that I can't breathe, other times, I don't even feel it at all. Numbness is worse than pain. At least I have control of the pain. All hope is gone, no point in dreaming. Dreaming always ends in failure, and disappointment. There's no way out. Once you're in this place you're stuck forever. There's always one special person who can pull you out of the dark place just long enough to breathe. But then they let go, and you're in deeper than you were to begin with. People always leave. Which causes the feeling of emptiness. It's a cold, bitter feeling. But it can be easily hidden behind a smile. A smile that no one knows is hiding heartbreak. It's all just a big circle really. The world falls quiet, putting you down. Someone comes along, helping you up. You fall back down, and so on. The only thing that changes is that you get knocked down deeper and deeper each time. People always leave.

You were. So right. How much deeper? If your reading this, just like the book, you are, I'm not sure... Curious, I hurt so much. Inside and out.

At a hostal. My hip is bleedig. I'm down to 20 bucks. Fuck. I ran out of pain meds. I hurt. god. im hungry. My hand is swelling. Coming ack. again tomorrow.Great. fuck. I dont know why im still blogging. my release. god this was a bad idea.

Why. Me.

So. I'm at the hospital by myself... I'm going to be a cripple like you were last summer. When I met you... Here's an idea. You can come meet me.... Maybe you will like me... Maybe not. This sucks. I hate hospitals. So. I'm covered in hurts. I've never been put under before... I'm scared. I miss you. Like always. I want a hug. To smell my favourite smell. My feel you skin.. To know you love me. With not one doubt.

Every Word Feels Like A New One.

Thank you. You read it. You saw the fence. You saw the book i wrote to you. Now. I just wait. Love is my decision to make any of your problems my concern. I want that. But. That doesn't change anything. I will always love you. And i have tried so hard to make it work. I tried. You weren't stubborn like me. You gave in. You always knew i would be the one who stuck around. And didn't give up no matter what. You still know that. I love you.

I'm scared Ry.

I'm scared. I have made all the problems myself, and things are getting worse. I tried to get what I want, what I need. Now I don't have either. I thought, things would be different. I thought that things like that don't change. So, what do I do. Go home? Put up with the mom. Or start back over? To where people care, but not the one's that really matter. My mom. You. My sister. I don't love my dad. I can't do this, but at the same time. I could. I could rip out all my feelings, lock them away, until it is safe to give someone the key again. What would you do? Lock them away? Or continue to suffer? Everything is so..scary. Thats the best word for it. Everything happens so quickly.

I just, want to go back to how it was. How it should have been,

I will end up with a broken heart. I know it. And you will carry on with life like I never existed. Because that's what you want.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw

Phew.

Feel like I should be blogging. Don't know why. God I miss you. What am I kidding, you won't even be reading this. Uhm. Fuck. I can't even get out what I am trying to say. Just not working. Gah. I'm tired, got nothing to say. Fuck I'm a boring shit. Talking to myself here.. great.

Deadline.

Shit man, I'm tired. Just finished another assignment. Almost done. Talk about cutting the deadline at last minute eh? Hhaha. God. Anyway. Just got to do this last one. My feet are freezing, my mouth tastes bad. And I have what feels like a pulse in my stomach... not good. Tireeed. Argah uhm, I loveyou.

Assignment deux

Second assignment I'm onto now...Fuck. What now. Man, I miss you. Since when does it get light at 4AM, talk about awesome. Anyway, I love you. NEXT ASSIGNMENT. hehe. I love you so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzDvRT6liXQ&a=ZI_iYEuoSXU&playnext_from=ML&playnext=5

I miss you.

I miss you. More than I have in a while. When is my friend going to realize she still wants to be with me? I'm sorry about things that have happened. But lets not lose sight of who we are, and what we want. Who we want to be with at the end of the day. Thats whats important.

Rouge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euV_6vK8SlI&NR=1&feature=fvwp


haha, found this while looking through some of my music on youtube. Isn't it funny, that you pop up at the most random times?

Wooow. Fuck, this is really something. Fuck. I don't even know what to say. Just. UGH. Fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Duplicate. Thats my word. Duplicate. Thats what I am. A damn duplicate. I was told that, long before this happened, and I refused to believe. Now, look, its come true. Who knew someone who isn't even my friend, would give me the best advice. Wow. Really.

We're all breaking hearts. We're all broken hearts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sRndBLPGe8&feature=related


Uhm, goodnight my love. I just. Nevermind. I love you. Goodnight. Sleeping alone tonight, it feels wrong. It is worth fighting for.


"Well, if you want to take a chance
And try to make things right
You better have a reason to be loved
We all want something more
And it is worth fighting for... "

I love you, still. You asked me to.

Hi.

Can once in a lifetime happen twice?

Your so wrong.

"I guess what they said is right. and, what I said was right. You will move on with your life. You are moving on. After time, I will just be that girl from Dodge, that once-upon-a-time wished she had your heart. In the end, the words wont matter."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw_4CCe-AwA

It hurts when you realize that the person that means the world to you, sees you as just a person, and not the world. "When you figure out love is all that matters after all it sure makes everything else seem so small." Right? Headache, homework. Break time. Had dinner at about 10, after fighting, yet again, just when things were getting better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzkS4DzYTj8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei8hPkyJ0bU
It's weird, I'm content with waiting, for, maybe even nothing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qA6K-ouivhQ&feature=related

Look it this! Your mom admitted liking me. xP

Marcy Jaster
Hmm.. Preach away darlin'. We all know you did not create a facebook page so others could use it to be abusive towards your friends. You stand up sweety and don't ever let others get you down.

Nigel we rather like you in this house. Even if you do only come out in the rain.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdBym7kv2IM&NR=1

Riley Cox No matter what you say, I know you better than you think. I will not let you down, I want you to trust me.
October 23, 2009 at 8:47pm · Comment · Like


I did. I gave you everything you wanted from me. I gave you me. All of me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc&NR=1

I just learnt that I'm not special. Far from it. You say the same things about everyone. What was special about me all along? Nothing.
I wasn't special. Just a duplicate. That you could throw away when you got bored, and move on.

Nothing new. Someone else gives up on me. I thought you were my friend as well... I was wrong.
I am so confused at the moment. With everything. What is love? Just an emotion you can control. If you choose to. Or you can let it control you. How is it that those few simple things you think are true, turn out to be lies. I just want to feel you hug me again. I want to know I am not a duplicate. Not a fling. Who am I kidding. Thats all I ever was. The boy who it could never me. Right?
I think you have taken so many tears, and are still worth more. But why do I feel lost, if I know what I want. I wasn't worth the tears, you made very clear to me. So, I sit here, and wonder what really goes on in your head. I wish I knew you so much more. I am just confused, about how everything happened. This is not like you. I thought I knew you? Do I? Is it that I do know you, which is why I am questioning, or am I just crazy? Who knows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZKSz1tlHJc&NR=1

I'm not scared of what love gave me and took away.

I don't want to lose your face.
And I don't want to wake up one day and not remember what time erased.
I don't want to turn around,
Cause I'm not scared of what love gave me and took away.
And I don't want to lose your face.

I've got a picture of you in my bedroom.
And I hope it never falls.

I hope I never lose that feeling,
I used to get when you called.
And then I wondered to myself,
Who were you, where are you.
Were you ever here at all?

Please tell her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYtj1F4r3fI

Still up, still doing homework. Found this...



Riley Cox January 29 at 9:48pm Report
haha, yeah. well, if you're leaving..then tonight might be the last time.

Sincere.

I feel like it was important that I be blogging right now, but I don't know why. Beach today, and such. That was nice, Irish dancing, violin, time with my family. That was good. We stopped fighting as much, which I am gratefully happy for. Mom hurt herself, just a bit ago. Twisted her arm in the shower, fell. Not good. I'm worried, as her knee is getting worse, and she is having more trouble walking. Homework is trying to be done, and it looks like a storm is one its way for tonight. I love the rain, and hate it as well. It reminds me so much of you. I have been missing you a fair bit recently, but I know it will do no good, so I try to stay away from thoughts of you, but always remain back, like a lost puppy. I don't know if I'm wasting my time anymore, but I know what my love is, and I won't forget the way you loved me. So, I will continue, no matter how much you tell me to "move on". Thats not Nigel. You asked me to love you. I did. Now what. Homework. Movies score, I have really been in on. Listening to them constantly, and found a few of my favorites. I'm sure your sleeping by now, but, somehow I wish that you are thinking of me. That would make this whole situation a bit better. Anyway, I love you. Always will. I will kiss you again, and hold you how we used to. I will. Unless you refuse, which, then, I know that you have given up on me, which would be no surprise. I believed you. I really did. I thought you were sincere. Boy, was that a tricky and cruel things to believe.

ALL summer long.

I loooooove you sooo much :). Forever. Hugs, summer will be ours in a few years, just wait. Love you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwIGZLjugKA

Still my sunshine.

I'm thinking about you a lot right now. Because I miss my friend. You. Always brightened my day.

Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.

I smile because it happened.

Mama's making bean dip as I type, and haha, you came to mind as soon as she told me what we were having for dinner. I'm smiling, and feel happy. Like, actually. Who knew something like music could make me feel this way again. Wow. Anyway, I miss you, I love you, thats all I have to say. Your on my mind.

You know, there are a lot of words in the dictionary. But only so little words to describe just what I want, what I think I want. I don't know anymore. I fight so hard for someone, that doesn't even want me, because it just causes problems....yeah, okay. Great.

Password: iloveyoury

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKpZGGBHUMs

Your words.

Why is it, that I think what has happened in the past will repeat itself?

"I'm nothing without you.
Please, don't give up on me. Not yet. This isn't what I want. I just need time. I don't want to you to move on, you said you would wait. You said you would wait two years if that's what it took. You promised. You don't break your promises, I know that for a fact. I don't want anyone else. I can't even make myself have thoughts about anyone else, not that I want to. At the end of the day, you're the one I want by my side. Please, please, don't give up on me.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gBeCKmIN8bQ"

You remember thinking these words? Do you? You can't ask for two things Riley, and you can't want two things either, can you? I think I know you, think I do. But, when I look back, I just see a girl who needs love somewhere along the way. I am willing to provide, but you need to say so. I'm sure a lot of other guys would be willing, and able to love you, despite what you think about yourself. I don't plan on giving up on you. I never have, nor will I. Whats the point of moving on, if I am still in love with you?

Wish

I really wish sometimes I could stop loving you. Sometimes it would make everything easiertr, but at the same time, I'm glad I can't.

Parting of loving someone is putting them first.

I woke up yet again with you on my mind. I want to know if you still wake up thinking about me, or if everything has just gotten better. Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I'm going crazy. My mom is still just as ad, if not worse. How could you just cut me out. No thought about how I feel? Did you ever really love me, or just pretend. Part of loving someone is caring about them, how they are, feel, etc... You changed your ring, meaning your heart is not taken, meaning you never really did give a shit. Its sad to think I trusted you yet again. And I let you do the same thing yet again. I never once told you I wanted nothing to do with you..... But I'm not you..obviously. I finished a book called At a Loss for Words. Pretty sad book. Started two more. Need to finish this course online to pass grade 9. I'm getting there..hopefully.. I just can't believe how everything changed so quickly. I thought you said forever and always. I thought you said nothing could change that. Stop saying it. I do love you..

Bettter for everyone.

So I have been getting school work done, and I still don't sleep regularly. I'm reading more often, and I really don't care about much. I'm hoping that the years we are apart will make it better when we are together again, if you want to be with me in that due time. I really hope so. Anyway, I got told today that I no longer have a job. Well, actually, what happened was they told me that they no longer needed to fill the position, because they were losing funding. So that sucks, a lot. And I was looking forward to it. So, next step. More school, more resumes, fix things with my mom.. Wait for you. Hopefully I can get everything in place, so I am a better me, when you get to be with me again. I think that would do good overwell for everyone.

Ugh

Woke up yet again. I hate this. I used to like to sleep. I miss her, no matter how much I try to convince myself I don't need her, I do

I love you with all my heart, and time, nor anything you say will change that. I promised you.
http://www.mp3boo.com/download-mp3/gary-go-gary-go.htm
You know what, it's fine. I hope you are alright. I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0s2uPd3CV4
Cheers. I'll meet up with you in a few. I promise. I don't break them. You know that.
I know this isn't what you want. I at least hope this isn't. I love you so much more than words can describe.

Well cheers Riley. You got me to love you. Congrats. You got what you wanted. A broken heart. You just like what you can't have. When will it ever be enough. I always loved you. I still do

So, I will learn how to swim. You will ride your bike. Another promise broken, nothing new.

So I can just get caught up in nothingness. I still can't believe the past bit. Lots has changed, and I am still in shock. Who knew you wanted this to end like this. Who knew.

Lies

You told me you would love me forever. You told me you would love me no matter what happened. You said you were nothing without me. You lied. Please, just. Show me you didnt

I am so in over my head. More fucking yelling.

I don't know.

After everything. I don't get the decentcy of a phone call or an email. You get your fucking friend to tell me. Thanks. Really Riley. You made my life and now took it away. How could you? I trusted you. Because you wanted me to. Just like the sex. You wanted to. Its not over now. Not in two weeks, not in a month. Because I know, or hope to whomever makes decisions, that you still love me. Right. That must be true. I hope it is. Because I am a mess. Mom has yelled at me every single day, and I am really starting to feel alone. What would happen now if I died. Would you care. Or just carry on like nothing ever happened. I'm guessing you spent friday with kevin. Another promise broken. What does it matter now. You can kiss kevin all you want, because you no longer have to "deal", with me. I feel so tired. I couldn't sleep. Its getting worse, i have been throwing up daily. Mom told me she is booking another doctors appointment. And btw. I was a fool. I thought I knew you. I was played.

Its monday may 31st. I know you won't be reading this. The rain is making it hard to try to sleep.

The rain makes it worse

Listen

Let it roll - Train.

Crazy

I am thinking about how often I hated myself for loving you. I am thinking about how it proved to be a very short leap from thinking, I am crazy about you, to thinking, I am just plain crazy.

The girl from dodge.

I have now been yelled at for 4 hours straight. I am inresponsible, and a creep. The "girl" doesn't want to talk to me, so move the fuck on. You say you don't want me anymore. So, what now. Now I lay on my bed, crying, and listening to music, which in turn makes me cry more. I feel like I did not know you, because you told me you would always love me. You lied. Maybe not.. I believe you still love me. So, in a way, I hope you will come around. 2 months of silence, or a month, and maybe you will carry on. Find a new boy? Summer romance. I don't know. I just know right now. And I know I should not be upset. I am constantly tired, and I don't know why. I woke up 3 times last night. Nightmares, and crying. I woke up sweating. I was shivering though. I could not get warm. And all I could think about was the day you feel asleep on my chest. And I then started crying, more and more. Hoping you will come around, and realize I am worth it. Worth getting in trouble. Maybe...maybe?

Mount Everest

It does not matter how many obstacles are placed in your path, or how tall they might be. You have what it takes to climb over them all. Fate will never ask you to do more than you are capable of, so don't worry if the mountain in front of you looks huge. You will find a way to move it.