What's the point of just living? Life is so bland without you around...

Dear Riley,

Dear Riley,
It's your birthday! Happy sixteenth! I would love to be able to tell it to you in person, and to have gotten to give your gift to you. But life got in the way. I hope you know that it would have been number one on my list of things to do if I was able to do them... Well, being able to control time is before that... BUT that is totally beside the point. : ) I hope your party is great, and I hope everyone realizes just how special today is, and that today recognizes someone amazing that came onto this earth. Your gonna be a wonderful women one day, and I hope the road toward that starts with this pivotable moment in your life. Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today, as James Dean put it. And as  Jimmy Buffet once said "it's five o'clock somewhere" ;) I hope today turns out to be more than you expect, and I will be thinking about you constantly, like always. I love you so much, and these years will fly by. But don't let them go too quickly. Stop and smell the tiger lilies along the way. Hugs, and I will always love you.


P.s. I know I'm an hour early but this way I'm ahead of everyone else who is gonna wish you happy birthday :D

I really wish I could say everything that is going on in my head right now. Again, I miss just talking to you. Gah, I need to do some things. I miss you. Birthday verrrry soon. Sweet 16 :) I hope it is a good one love!

I talk to myself waaaay two much. Found a new band I like though. CALLED " do make say think ". Its just instrumentals..but, I like it.

fml.

Okay. I really don't like my life. I',m scared. Noe one is here. ijust want to talk to you. thats what i really need and want rigfht now. and you don't love me anymore. and i'm going crazy. actually. i think i need more hellp than i can get. so. just. forget about nigel. like you said you would never do. who say, i can't be superman? right. i just want to hold you in my arms and know that that was enough. for both of us.


"Then talk to her. I'm sure she's absolutely perfect. make sure that she knows to never, ever let you go. I can't respond anymore. please, stop messaging."

Okay. Those aren't the last words I am going to get to hear. You know what Riley. If I know you, you love me. You do. And I'm really sorry that we are not together, because I know that we would both be happier than imaginable. But, life isn't always fair. Things happen, and life goes on. People come. People go. But some come back.

I didn't really get a choice if I wanted to kiss her.
And believe me, I didn't. I feel really disgusted right now. I actually almost just got raped.
Actually. Guys don't get raped..right?

I love you so much, and don't understand you at the same time. Which is a very good thing. Because life would not be fun if everything was predictable.

Excuse me while I decide not to drink. I hate not being able to fend off people. It scares me to have someone on top of you, and you can't do anything about it..

Everyone is gone. Mom is gone. Sister is gone. You don't want to hear it. Or can't. Kate says she cares, but she doesn't.

You remember a post your wrote? About how someone comes and pulls you out of the darkness, and when they leave, you end up further down than before? I think you pulled me out, and I was so far under, I didn't even realize it until you came along. You saved me. I'm not crazy. I might be. I might. There have been no others girls. As I promised, I am waiting for you.




Lastly. Just, realize.

Nigel says:
*lol
*BEST SONg
emillllyalfa says:
*um, i don't mean to be a mood kill or anything
*but it's 5 in the morning over here
Nigel says:
*-_-
emillllyalfa says:
*if you want me to stay on
*i will
Nigel says:
*its fine. you can go.
emillllyalfa says:
*no.
*i'll stay
*but i don't know if i can cure that boredom of yours or not
Nigel says:
*i'm tired actuallyems.
*i think imma go to bed,.
emillllyalfa says:
*good.
*i think you could really use some sleep
Nigel says:
*ill talk to you later my darling :)
emillllyalfa says:
*vise versa
*hey, mind if i ask you something?
Nigel says:
*yes
*please do
emillllyalfa says:
*do you think life would be easier if it were all a dream
*that with all the bad shit that goes on
*we'd be able to wake up
*and have a fresh start
Nigel says:
*Emily. Lemme tell you someting.
*I think about killing myself almost every single day I live.
*So yes
*I do.
*Wish I could wake up
*and find my life a lot better,
emillllyalfa says:
*well just so you know
*if you were to kill yourself
*i'd have a lot less sunshine in my dream world
*my little world where everything makes sense..
*and the people i care about are happy and ok with who they are
Nigel says:
*I've haven't been happy since I was with Riley.
*No matter
*what other people say.
*Even if she is bad for me
*I didnt feel like dying
*actually looked forward
*to the next day.
emillllyalfa says:
*i don't think she's bad for you
*i think one day you'll look back on her
*whether you're an old man or a roommate with jesus
Nigel says:
*and remember one amazing girl
emillllyalfa says:
*and remember good times
Nigel says:
*I will remember love.
*And.
*I will remember a girl
*I would still
*drop everything for.
*Even
*after so many
*years.
emillllyalfa says:
*exactly.
*so tell me, what's so bad about that?
Nigel says:
*That I can't be with her now.
emillllyalfa says:
*i'm not saying it won't hurt
*but we learn in life.
*that's what makes dreams seem so pathetic
*and life so beautiful
*you'll grow
*riley will grow
*and you'll both look back on the days
*where everything seemed like a dream
*but eventually - and it may seem like forever
*eventually you'll wake up
*at least i hope i will.
*well shit - that's when i know i'm officially wiped out
*i've stopped making sense to myself ...and i'm rambling
Nigel says:
*hugs.
*sleep well ems
emillllyalfa says:
*sleep is the simplest time of day
*why is it so short?
*sweet dreams, nigel
*big, wide, bear hugs
Nigel says:
*nigel hugs
emillllyalfa says:
*the best kind of hugs
*oh geez
*g'night




I do love you, very much. You sleep well too. And happy birthday.

So far from where we started, so far from what we wanted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8aecsPj99Q&feature=fvw

So much for friends!

Oh what a lovely night. I'm at the beach, with a few people. And I get a text. From Kate. Isn't that just great. But, it's fixed now. Jesus Christ. Disregard anything he said. I'm sorry. Not the greatest friend I got.... : / We got in a fight, and I forgot that he had my password, which had Josh's in my inbox. Just explaining everything to you. I'm sorry my love. I really am.

Whats the point of just living life? Why not let life live.

If I hurt your feelings
Then baby we're even
Cause I've been bereavin'
Since you said you're leaving
But now you're by my side...
Let's not fight...
Cause you're right

That every time I lose you
I'm lost
No more you versus me girl
There's just us
Cause anything without you's
Just a bust
Baby trust
You're a must

ANYWAY, to the beach!

Say what you need to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P1qUSWEfmk&feature=related


I gotta question. When your doing, your life, do you ever think about anyone before yourself? Ever consider how it would make someone else feel? Or did you just do, what you thought was good at the time, or even worse, what wasn't good, but you still did it.

Found my sailboat. I messaged him... Lets cross our fingers.

Happiness is:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20-pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Eye contact with a hot member of the opposite sex.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful/good looking.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies (and eating them...!).
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Headache headache headache. Fml.

You can't please everyone all the time.

What makes me tired is not that my body needs the rest, its that my brain has worked for two long, trying to figure out things I don't even know I'm trying to figure out. Sleep is the off time for my brain, for it to recharge, and take a break from life. I dread sleep, not because I don't like it, but because I find it stupid, and unnecessary. Whats the point of living life if half the time your going to be pretending your dead...it just doesn't make sense. I have time to sleep when I die, right now is for living. I'm having a horrible time writing tonight, I can't get out what I want to say. It was 1:14 when I started writing this...now it's 2:24.... Okay. Look, I love you. So much. And it's great that you no longer are trying to convince yourself that you hate me as well, but, it's not gonna be easy waiting for each other, and you know that just as well as I do. But is it worth it? I think so, but are you gonna your mind again, or stay put in your mind set? We talked about kids, and marriage, and that jazz, but was all that just make belief, or was there actually meaning behind what was said?